Thinking Differently

Hmm. So I've been thinking lately.

Well, no, I'm always thinking. But lately I've been having a lot of erratic thoughts.

Like I'll be depressed on second about some topic, and then optimistic the next.

I was trying to figure out why, and I've come to the conclusion that it's the context that I view a topic in.

For example. This morning, I remember waking up, and instantly being worried about my current lack of cash money. Though I have plenty to tide me over in various accounts, the security of being able to physical hold it in my hands is something I kind of need. I suppose I must have been having some sort of dream about this before I woke up, but I can't quite remember.

On the other hand, and this happened at least twice to me today, I was being very depressed and morbid thinking about something, and then suddenly the situation looked much better. I started thinking about this--nothing had actually changed in my surroundings. What had happened was that I had gotten distacted.

You see, the second time this happened to me today, about a half an hour ago, I was in the shower, and I had just previously been on the roll with writing a new song. Then I starting thinking about things, and being depressed and judgmental and generally having a negative outlook, when suddenly I remembered my song and realized I had better try and figure out how the first verse went again if I was ever going to remember it to record it later.

Then, as I tried going back to the topic, my outlook didn't seem so morbid. Going deeper, I think that it was the fact that I was distracted, but also the positivity came from me not looking so in depth into the situation. Superficially and on the surface, I could be happy about the situation, but if I actually started looking into it, that's when the depression started.

I guess this is kind of why I was trying to tell my friend the other day that ignoring a topic and/or being numb to it is sometimes a good thing. Yes, it will hit you hard later, but in letting it marinate and letting your subconscious go to work on it, you'll learn and be better able to handle the situation then if you tried to deal with it now, when you are clearly being hurt by it.

If that made any sense to anyone. I sometimes think I'm far too deep, too complex, because I analyze every little thing. Thats why I try to let go every now and then, and I'm getting better at it. But still, it's weird to sometimes wonder one second if I'm depressed and if I'm missing something and how I can rectify this (often through risky adventures), and then the next get distracted and be fine. I wonder if everyone feels like this, and if they're just distracting themselves as a constant cycle.

Maybe.

Merry Musing,
~Dale B.

P.S. Also. It's hard as a writer and type INFJ for me to not be able to adaquately express in words how I feel, but I try my best, and that is all I can do. (This is my own form of reassurance, sorry if I confused anyone as to this message's purpose) Sometimes everything just feels so big and I have so many thoughts and I try to figure out what I want and what I want to say. Maybe that's why I feel this way, because I am meant to explore that big feeling and all the other feelings within it and write about it. Hmm. Now there's a thought. Woah, my mind just found peace. Epiphany achieved.