Poachers

I am a jungle cat.
Stalking through the wet wilderness.
Pursuing..chasing..
I choose my prey
And never leave them
Always three steps behind
Taking my time
Stalking, stepping lightly

They try to pursue me
Try to catch me.
Lure me with kindness, shyness, cautiousness
I'll have none of it.
I plunge on

My prey teased me in the beginning
Showed off his colors, his beautiful design
Flashed his wonders, showing me what I could have
If only I could catch him.
I stalked closer and closer, but one step amiss--
He's gone.

Now I pursue him night and day
I'm in a long cold night
It seems it's been an eternity
I blindly trek forward,
Trusting my senses
Barely feeling him
Like my prey isn't even there.

Has he grown bored of our game?
I never will,
Until he's mine
The ultimate prize.
Like coming home,
A comfort,
An adventure,
An amazement.
All mine.

Those others have no weight--
They cast nets that don't even come close
I stealthily, and not so steathily slip beneath their webs
Silly poachers.
I will never be pursued.
Only will I pursue.
Only one.
He is mine.
He will be mine.
Someday
Soon.

Trust Issues

My shower is amazing.

Seriously, I think everyone can agree, though no one really knows why, that the shower is the best place in the world.

You get clean, ridding yourself of the negativity of the day or day before and starting fresh, alone with your thoughts and isolated by the pounding water.

Beautiful.

So I had a revelation in the shower. See, I've had this relationship issue that I've been trying to get over. And my friend gave me the insight into what the other person's thoughts might be. Which is that they might "just want me around". Like, that's it.

And for some reason, that kind of changed my view. It was like this bug bite that just gave me a nasty feeling about the whole thing, and I've been feeling rather negative towards the issue ever since.

But about the shower revelation.

What I discovered, with this newfound knowledge from my friend, is that the answer I've been seeking all along is to stop trusting this person.

When I first met this person, I did not trust them, as is often the case when we meet new people. It's not that they're untrustworthy (although this person, well, was), it's just that we don't know them well. And that worked well.

Then I started trusting this person. And that's how I got screwed over, because you see, I thought I was allowed to trust them. I thought that the trust would be equalized. Alas, no such luck.

So I had a hard time getting over this person. Then I realized in the shower, that the reason is that I still trust them. That why I feel like we could try and go back to how we were; because I trusted that their attentions were good. Now that my friend gave me just the right insight to make me start to not trust this person, I realized that this is the key.

So whee. I can go back to the beginning with this person, where if they dropped out of my life, it would be no travesty. The only problem with this, this thing that niggles at the back of my mind, is that it will all go back to how it was. So that if this person were to try and return my trust at some point, I would have to start all over with them. Again. Which could lead to problems. Again.

So why don't you just forget about this person altogether, you might ask?

Because they are utterly unforgettable.

I hope this helps anyone who might be going through the same thing. It was quite freeing for me.

Merry Musing,
~Dale B.

Thinking Differently

Hmm. So I've been thinking lately.

Well, no, I'm always thinking. But lately I've been having a lot of erratic thoughts.

Like I'll be depressed on second about some topic, and then optimistic the next.

I was trying to figure out why, and I've come to the conclusion that it's the context that I view a topic in.

For example. This morning, I remember waking up, and instantly being worried about my current lack of cash money. Though I have plenty to tide me over in various accounts, the security of being able to physical hold it in my hands is something I kind of need. I suppose I must have been having some sort of dream about this before I woke up, but I can't quite remember.

On the other hand, and this happened at least twice to me today, I was being very depressed and morbid thinking about something, and then suddenly the situation looked much better. I started thinking about this--nothing had actually changed in my surroundings. What had happened was that I had gotten distacted.

You see, the second time this happened to me today, about a half an hour ago, I was in the shower, and I had just previously been on the roll with writing a new song. Then I starting thinking about things, and being depressed and judgmental and generally having a negative outlook, when suddenly I remembered my song and realized I had better try and figure out how the first verse went again if I was ever going to remember it to record it later.

Then, as I tried going back to the topic, my outlook didn't seem so morbid. Going deeper, I think that it was the fact that I was distracted, but also the positivity came from me not looking so in depth into the situation. Superficially and on the surface, I could be happy about the situation, but if I actually started looking into it, that's when the depression started.

I guess this is kind of why I was trying to tell my friend the other day that ignoring a topic and/or being numb to it is sometimes a good thing. Yes, it will hit you hard later, but in letting it marinate and letting your subconscious go to work on it, you'll learn and be better able to handle the situation then if you tried to deal with it now, when you are clearly being hurt by it.

If that made any sense to anyone. I sometimes think I'm far too deep, too complex, because I analyze every little thing. Thats why I try to let go every now and then, and I'm getting better at it. But still, it's weird to sometimes wonder one second if I'm depressed and if I'm missing something and how I can rectify this (often through risky adventures), and then the next get distracted and be fine. I wonder if everyone feels like this, and if they're just distracting themselves as a constant cycle.

Maybe.

Merry Musing,
~Dale B.

P.S. Also. It's hard as a writer and type INFJ for me to not be able to adaquately express in words how I feel, but I try my best, and that is all I can do. (This is my own form of reassurance, sorry if I confused anyone as to this message's purpose) Sometimes everything just feels so big and I have so many thoughts and I try to figure out what I want and what I want to say. Maybe that's why I feel this way, because I am meant to explore that big feeling and all the other feelings within it and write about it. Hmm. Now there's a thought. Woah, my mind just found peace. Epiphany achieved.

Dream Analysis

Ok, another brief post! Gotta do damage control on both my and best friend's well being.

So I finally was able to remember one of my dreams! Yay!

Except the dream was a fairly obvious interpretation. Crap.

Not at all like the other day when I dreamt I was dying. Which reminds me, when I posted the blog about the spiders saying that a part of you has died and another been reborn, that was excess knowledge I was taking from my research on dreams about death, not necessarily spider symbolism. Though the rest is true.

Anyway, yeah, tonight was really obvious to me. There were certain events and my reactions to them in my dreams that were already quite plain to me--my reluctance at certain things coming to light. And also, I had this one aspect of my dream that was about drug smuggling.

So has anyone seen the commercials for that show where they give them like $100,000 and tell them that if they can keep it from the authorities, then can keep it? I'd be totally beast at that game, and something in me really wants to try that. To do something illegal for a day. I guess that's my inner criminal coming out.

But then there's this other show called "Locked Up Abroad" that I was watching just before going to bed about these people who are promised $10,000 if they smuggle drugs, and they meet terrible consequences. And in my dream there was like a stakeout in the woods across from my front yard, and they made us all do "pee checks" as they were called in my dream to see if (this worked in my dream, pft.) we were carrying any drugs. And apparently I had some on in, and I think my brother was involved, and I had to quickly remove it before going to get searched. Weird, huh?

I don't know if that's repressing some secret desire to be a drug smuggler or just my inner need to do something bad every now and again.

Anyway, what this all tells me is that if my subconscious is giving me dreams that are so obvious to me, that must mean I'm in a good place in knowing myself, my thoughts, and my feelings. Which is essentially what this blog is all about.

There's always room to grow though.

Merry Musing,
~Dale B.

Nightime Fancy

Theres something that happens to me at night.

No, not that kind of thing. Get your mind out of the gutter.

I'm talking about the utterly freeing feeling that comes with the ending of the day. Am I the only one who feels this way?

It's like my mind subconsciously falls into it's most core state--I become more adventurous in the dark, more open, more passionate. It's as though it doesn't matter what else I do, because it's nightime, and the night hides my actions where the morning reveals them.

I don't really know why this is. Maybe the morning feels so real, so raw, so everyday, need to get things done. But at night, it feels like, well, I've done the best I can in my day. Now it's time the have fun!

And it's funny, there usually are no consequences for what I do at night. Things really are hidden in the darkness. It's like reality is the daytime, but nightime is like every book I've ever read put into reality--which is like the best thing I can imagine. At night, I can do anything.

I always feel like writing at night, and come up with the best ideas (that sometimes the day reveals to be less interesting, but screw the day), and I feel like I can get anything done the next day. I feel so alive, like the day has prepared me to really live in the night. And then in the morning, despite my whimisical imaginings, I feel tired, grumpy, and ill-adjusted. Maybe this the reason...sleep changes something in me.

When I go through my day, I go through all this crap. Then at night, I am able to let that crap go for a while, knowing (or thinking) that no more consequences can touch me because the day is over. Then sleep helps to make all those subconscious thoughts and feelings from the day organized, so the next morning, I feel disoriented and moody, and essentially different everyday, whereas at night, my feelings are generally predictable--passionate, firey, adventurous.

Plus, the night is just beautiful. Did you ever stand alone in the moonlight and take in the richness of the moon's spotlight, surrounded by the dark shadows of trees? It's hauntingly beautiful. And the loneliness is sort of comforting, like I'm surrounded by a big blanket, rather than in the day when everything is bared. That's another thing. some emotions and actions are really hidden in the night, because my companions don't catch everything, and are more tired so they can't analyze the things that I do. Or at least I think that's how I feel.

I tried looking this up (always wanting to see how others relate, that's me), and all I found were a bunch of quotes from various artistic people, talking about the richness of the night. Which I suppose correlates, but I'm unsure if anyone quite feels the way I do. If anyone's out there reading, let me know if you feel this way. It'd be good to have someone understand what I mean.

Merry Musing,
~Dale B.

Dream FAIL

Ah, so this may be a bit brief because as will be explained later, I slept terribly and so attempted to sleep in and so now need to get read for work which is in an hour. Ah....

Anyway, todays attempt at recording my sleep talk failed because I tried to go to sleep too early to avoid being tired for work (another fail). Additionally this means that I also failed to have/remember any dreams. So triple fail.

On the plus side..no there is no plus side. But something else I might mention is how I've been having excessive deja vu lately. I looked it up, and the first this I found is that it can mean:

A. I'm having flashbacks of another life
or
B. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in life.

I'm not really into the whole past life thing, as it just seems so unpurposeful, so I went with the second, which was a good affirmation to me. Additionally, I found information that says I just might not be sleeping well enough, which also fits, and would explain my couple of mental freezes and extremely heavy eyelids.

Also! I've noticed that I've being seeing a lot of spiders lately as well, which apparently can mean several things, including that I am in control of my own life and that I am experiencing growth and possibly death of another part of my life. Powerful stuff. (By the way, I'm not saying that every little thing should be analyzed [even though I do it to death], but I do believe that signs are given to us that are meant to lead us to seek meaning, which can give us insight. Give it a try sometime.)

(also, I was just thinking about how much it's gonna suck getting up early for work again for the next two days when I realized that changing my sleep pattern usually just takes one sucky night of sleep so I'm good. Just a side note. Also, trying to sleep whilst a bright and noise computer sits above your head is stupid. I will not be doing it again unless very motivated.)

So that's all for now! Time for coffee and work. Catch ya on the flipside.

Merry Musing,
~Dale B.

Dream Recording

So as a kicking off point, I thought I'd try something I've never done--recording my sleep talking.

People have always told me I talk in my sleep (sometimes yell), and I've even sleep-walked a bit.

So I decided to find out what I've been saying, since all they've been able to tell is that I often (or used to) tell my brother, Patrick, to "shut up!", as apparently most of the country is asleep as well when I sleep talk. Go figure.

So the experiment: I did a little research before I began this little experiment (aren't I a nerd) and I discovered (after noting that I'm not the first one to try this) that a good mic is usually necessary. Well, all I have is my computer mic, so that would have to do.

Next, I needed a recording program, and one that showed soundwaves was apparently essentially. Though many sites advertised their own recording programs, I decided to go with good old Audacity, as it has served me well in the past. After doing a check to be sure that it wouldn't stop recording even if my computer fell asleep (since I certainly wouldn't be able to monitor it, being asleep and all [and that would reallllly suck if I put all this work into this and all I got was an hour of silence and then an automatic shut down...yyeeeeahh....]), I was ready to go to bed and start recording!

I placed the computer relatively near my head, and as my desk is right up against my bed, this wasn't too difficult. Then I attempted to go to sleep.

Later, like four hours later (I went to sleep at like 3 in the morning), I woke up in a semi-dream-like state, realized my computer was still lit and recording and rolled over and stopped the recording. Not sure my reasoning with this, maybe to conserve battery but there were still several hours of sleep left to record..!?

In any case, when I woke up again, I prayed to God that my computer hadn't screwed up as usual and had actually kept the program live--which, thankfully, was the case, even without me having saved the recording. Phew.

And thank God again for soundwaves. They made it oh so easy to find the spots where I had actually talked....which were few and far between. Although somethings were hard to make out, this is what I think I heard, in voices that were not my normal voice (except the moans):

~"Ok, that's not alright"
~Moan, ending in sigh
~Slight laugh, ending in sigh
~Random inflection, sounds like "uh"
~Maybe light, creaky "hmm"?
~"Hello, Patrick *unintelligible whispering*" inhale, sigh (like waking up), sigh (like, whatever)

Bear in mind, none of these were very clear, and each as said in a very unusual voice quite unlike my own. This is just what I think I heard. (Plus, for some reason Audacity decided to be stupid and erase the first couple words I said right after I listened to them, and so when I went back to review them, they were gone. I think that's what I think I heard myself say. Yeah)

I also thought I'd analyze my dreams, as I've been having a lot of strange and lucid one lately, but alas, I cannot remember mine from last night. Perhaps because I was so focused on the project.

So I'll definitely be trying this again tonight, hopefully with a dream accompanying it, and since I won't need to tell you all the technical details tomorrow, I might even talk about my excessive deja vu, and what research has to say about it!

Merry Musing,
~Dale B.